The last days of the rest of my life

This coming Wednesday will be the last day of my life being pregnant. I am sure there are many women who hate me for saying it, but I loving being hugely pregnant. And I feel just as annoyed by all of those women who say how much they love the newborn stage.

Brandon and I will be leaving for Ishpeming on Tuesday to spend the night at a hotel so that we can be at Bell Hospital at 5:30am on February 5th for my scheduled c-section at 7:30am. We will try to enjoy our last evening as parents of one, not knowing how much our lives will really change. Will it be easier than becoming parents for the first time, or will adding an additional person to our home come with even more challenges the second time around? I am enjoying every moment of not knowing by really appreciating everything about being pregnant. I am sure I will cry as I walk into the hospital, knowing it will be the last time I will ever feel another life moving inside of me, the last time my body will be doing something as amazing as creating a person.

I can't believe that this pregnancy is just about over, and that I will never experience it again. When we were trying to get pregnant with this baby, every month went by so slowly, waiting until I could take that pregnancy test (okay I admit that it was more than one, but I won't admit to how many it really was!). I have never been good at waiting, the anticipation was horrible, but at the same time I was so looking forward to seeing those two lines. It took us about a year after deciding to try again, to actually become pregnant with this little miracle. There was a lot of disappointment along the way, and as soon as those two lines showed up, the anxiety kicked into overdrive! So many things can go wrong so early in a pregnancy. For the first several months, there isn't much besides some random symptoms that actually tell you on a daily basis, I am pregnant! And those symptoms vary greatly day to day, and can drive an already partially insane person crazy, trying to analyze everything to see if anything has changed. I really had a hard time enjoying being pregnant early on because of the possibility of something being wrong. I started to feel more confident when I could actually see my belly getting bigger. Of course it was also slightly depressing because I didn't actually look pregnant, I just felt fatter than normal.

For me, the joy of pregnancy really began when I could feel this little baby move. Thanks to medical advances, a blood test told me early on that I was having a girl. So when I started to feel her move it was very easy for me to connect to her and really think about who she was going to be. I loved feeling those little flutters inside of me. And every week they got stronger, until now, when she stretches and can make me feel like my belly will split open at any moment. And honestly, I have loved every single little movement that she has made. They reassure me that she is doing wonderfully and growing. They show me that the small discomforts I am feeling are really for a reason. They make me feel special, because I am the only one who can feel how amazing it is to have this little girl growing inside of me.

I loved being pregnant with Rylie, but I had such horrible back pain for the last 3 months that it made it much more difficult to enjoy. With this pregnancy, I feel huge, but amazing! A big reason why I feel so huge is because of the stares and comments I get from everyone everywhere I go. They do annoy me at times, but at the same time they make me feel special. Everyone who sees me assumes I am miserable, and is amazed when I tell them how wonderfully I feel and how much I enjoy my huge belly. On our way home from weekly appointments in Ishpeming, I don't feel weird to waddle into every Holiday gas station along the way for nothing more than to use their bathroom. Using every bathroom without a question from anyone (with the exception of my husband, who is the only one who knows how long it has actually been since that last bathroom break) is easily the right of every very pregnant woman.

After next week, I will no longer feel special. No one will ever comment on the size of my body (hopefully!). No one will ever look at me sympathetically and ask me if I need help. Or ask me how much longer I have. Or if I know if this belly will result in a little baby girl or boy. I will no longer feel as if I have some magical thing inside of me that everyone wants to know everything about.

I of course want another child, but honestly I am terrified of having another baby. I long for the days when I was pregnant with Rylie and was gloriously ignorant of everything that lay ahead. I was actually excited for the diaper changes, to breastfeed, to put all those tiny clothes on her, and I still had the image of a sweet little baby lying in my arms as I rocked her to sleep, then laid her down and myself went to sleep. Sadly, I now know that I really don't enjoy that stage of life. Now all I can think about are all of those diapers, and how hard breastfeeding really is, and how much laundry a tiny baby can really create (and all the poop, vomit, and other bodily fluids that create that laundry!), and by far the worst of all- how getting a baby to sleep isn't easy and me getting more than an hour of sleep at a time for the first 3+ months is close to impossible. I know all of those things are going to be even harder this time, because I also have a 4 year old who expects mommy to be awake during the day, and at least mostly pleasant, and to have time for her. I keep telling her now, that when the baby comes, I will need her even more, because playing a game or reading a book with her will be the bright parts of my days early on.

These are the reasons I love being pregnant, and wouldn't mind if I was allowed to remain this way for another couple of weeks, or even a month. But I know that I will go from feeling amazingly pregnant, to miserably exhausted in just a few days. The only thing that will keep me going is Rylie, and knowing that all of the horrible things that a newborn will bring into my life again, will be totally worth it after a few long months. Seeing Rylie every day and knowing that we created her is the most amazing thing. I can't wait to watch another little life grow in our home, and know that one day, I will be just as amazed by her as I am by Rylie. This special feeling of pregnancy will end, but I know that Kadie will make me feel just as special and blessed as Rylie does every day.